The Bachelorette’: Ashley and Bentley get their period ... then everyone else does

• ABC.com
• Raggin’

Boy, do I wish Ashley would learn what ellipses are so she could stop saying Bentley left her with a “dot, dot, dot.” BUT even though she’s a dentist (kind of), not a grammarist, at least girfrent knows a period when she’s confronted with one. And doesn’t care that “period” also means menstruation.

Chris Harrison, who’s apparently taken a break from tying women to railroad tracks and twisting his mustache between his thumb and forefinger, catches Ashley off-guard (I’m so sure) by showing up unannounced (definitely announced) at her Hong Kong hotel room. “You’re scaring me,” she says. YOU SHOULD BE SCARED. Why? Because Bentley’s made the trip to China to complete the gargantuan — and, I’m sure, wholly enjoyable — task of humiliating you!

Wearing her casual costume of choice — a blousy collared shirt, heels and pants that cling ever-so-tightly to her pleasantly bowed legs — Ashley makes her way to room 666 to get pooed on.

Ooooo-wheeeee, is this meeting awkward. Because he’s flown “half-way across the world” to see her, Ashley momentarily tricks herself into thinking that it’s a gesture, but WE know the only gesture Bentley knows is this one. He opens the door and manages to smile and hug her, so OF COURSE she goes in for a kiss. Refusing to make herself tolerable to a man who already thinks she’s the worst, Ashley does the most disgusting thing in the world and swipes the palm of her hand across his mouth to remove whatever lip smegma she’d left behind. Seriously, the man’s a saint for not picking her up and throwing her through a window.

After some failed small talk about bug bites — “Do you have sweet blood?” Bentley asks, and then zones out whilst fantasizing about bashing her skull in and licking the blood from his fists — they have some failed “us” talk. Bentley says something like, “I think you know where I’m at and I think you know where I’m coming from a little bit. I think you’re here for a reason, and knowing that I’m home, it doesn’t look good for me and you. I would implore you to do all you can to see what you have here I guess.”

“So, this is our period,” Ashley responds. Yes. You’re women now. (More on people becoming women later.)

She’s so much a glutton for punishment, she insists he explain why he flew all the way there instead of just calling her. Bentley manages, “I wanted to see you,” but it’s, like, read between the lines, wouldja lady? Or, better yet, just regular read the lines that the rest of the world is reading: Bentley’s there because it’s a free trip to Hong Kong.

Seriously, I’ll be a sonofabitch if the second Ashley left his room Bentley didn’t strap on a pair of Tevas, toss a tiny rucksack over his shoulder, grab his Kodak Funsaver and just DO IT LARGE in Hong Kong. In every subsequent street scene, I fully expected to see him in the background, smiling from ear-to-ear and posing for photos with locals, or screaming “I’M HAVING SO MUCH FUN RIGHT NOW” and skipping off to his next Asian adventure (I’m actually in the process of developing a show called “Bentley’s Asian Adventure”).