The Bachelor” Season Premier: My rose ceremony is better”
Your Monday nights are ruined for the foreseeable future!
Are you excited? For two hours every Monday night for the next 87 weeks or so, we get to watch my close, personal cavefriend Ben Flajnik — who wined and dined scarcely tolerated me at a meet-and-greet in beautiful Cumming, Ga. last year — make awkward small talk and dry humpings with a truly special group of weeping, maladjusted she-beasts! I know, I know, me too!
Last night, in the glow of a bad moon, a procession of limousines slowly excreted a coven of 25 evening gown-clad ladies, all of them just rarin’ to tap dance while Chris Harrison aims a shotgun at their cloven hooves. An a-hole in a giant hat. An a-hole in a pageant sash who wants Ben to know she’s more than just a person who participates in pageants. An a-hole who brought her poor, differently-abled-but-definitely-horny grandma. An a-hole on a horse.
HOW WILL BEN EVER CHOOSE JUST ONE OF THEM? A lot of real good ones. So many, in fact, Ben had to send some of the goodest home right away. Here’s how my rose ceremony would’ve gone (people who DID get roses included, winner of the First Impression Rose™ last) ...
Rose No. 1: Amber B.
If you’re gonna make it on this show you have to have an angle. Amber Bacon’s angle: Her name is Amber Bacon. The Baconator, colloquially. Ambie’s first interaction with Ben consisted solely of her insisting he associate her with cured pork products. “Do you like bacon? You want a little taste? Did you know that was actually Canadian Bacon?” And could you believe this Pigwoman had the nerve to say the house “smelled like grandmas” when Brittney’s grandma arrived? All old people smell gross, but it’s not a thing we talk about on TV, at least not about specific smelly old people.
The Baconator did not get a rose, but you can find her at Wendy’s where you’ll probably order the Dave’s Hot & Juicy instead.
Rose No. 2: Erika
Oh, Erika, what wide-set eyes you have. How fun if the similarly fetal Ames would’ve been The Bachelor! Those two could’ve stood side by side and looked directly at each other like horses do. So sweet.
Ben kept Erika around, probably for her great sense of humor. C’maaaaaaan. A law student (begins laughing; becomes red-faced and out of breath). Telling Ben he’s “guilty of being sexy” (chokes on own saliva; vomits and urinates at the same time for laughing so hard). Wheeeeeew. Classic. Also she’s very good at doing finger guns that are not like guns at all (or finger guns for that matter).
Rose No. 3: Lyndsie J.
Lyndsie isn’t just an Internet entrepreneur, guys. She’s a diplomat’s daughter who is extraordinarily comfortable making an anus of herself. And she drives a silver sports car with her name written in cursive across the side panel (this is part of the anus thing I was talking about). And she wore a witch costume some derelict parent made on-the-fly out of a crumpled up garbage bag. And she’s a poet. A nice thing I can say about the poem she wrote for Ben: It was shorter than the rap that Emily wrote (it was Emily, right?). No rose for Lyndsie.