The Bachelor’ finale’s M. Night Shyamalan super-surprise twist ending

JUST KIDDING ...

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Of course Courtney won, y’idiots. This season sucked so much dick, it was like ABC didn’t even try to prevent US Weekly from forever telling us who was going to win, even though it was a thing we could have predicted roughly one episode into the season. If they didn’t still air my favorite show of all time, America’s Funniest Home Videos — literally keeping host and former mime Tom Bergeron off the streets — I’d say fuck ABC. But by saying that I would say it, I’m still kind of saying it, so good. I’ll continue to play along by writing this recap. Mostly so I can make unfunny Matterhorn puns.

SO, LET’S GET DOWN TO THE HEART OF THE MATTERHORN.

Ben’s in Switzerland still, and it’s time for his WASP mother and V.C. Andrews novel sister to meet Lindzi and Courtney. Sister Julie looks like Ben wearing a Khloe Kardashian wig. Now, last time we met Julie I reallllly didn’t like her, but this time I like her so much more because she hates Courtney so instantly! She recognizes it’s a red flag that Courtney didn’t get along with the other girls. And she thinks it’s so gross that Courtney’s a model. Mom, too. People who are professionally beautiful make them physically ill.

Lindzi gets to meet them first and, awwww, look, she’s so nervous. Three clues:
— Talking about her grand horse entrance during the premier episode she says, “That was me! It was so cool.” No. What’s cool is telling people that the things you do are cool.
— During dinner she can’t hold a utensil for the life of her. “I get nervous when I have to eat proper,” she says. Normally, she just shovels food into her face with her hands.
— She has two gigantic stress pimples festering under her flesh. And a really dense layer of makeup.

Otherwise, Lindzi did good! Julia and Mom liked her! And they hate Courtney even more now! BUT NOT FOR LONG ...