The Bachelorette’ Ep. 2: Desiree wears her heart on her sock

• ABC
• Soulja Boy thinks these guys are idiots, too.

For me, watching the Bachelorette is about learning lessons; about love, about myself. For instance, I’ve learned that as a woman I’m supposed to be emotionally and sexually aroused by sob stories about illnesses, car accidents, and shitty childhoods. Baggage is like a pair of bun-hugging leather pants for a guy’s whole self. Very hot. Also, hair gel. The more the better.

Two more important ones I learned last night:
1. The Bachelorette is NOT set to record on my DVR. Oops.
2. It is a lot less fun to watch the Bachelorette on ABC’s website at six in the morning (limited commercial interruption my dick). Especially when there’s so much pretend rapping.

Which we’ll get to. But, first, a date with Brooks.

They set off in the baby blue Bentley convertible, saliva streaming from their mouths (or at least from Desiree’s mouth - lots of wiping), so Brooks can let his hair air-dry. Oh, but wait it never quite dries. If his look - the hair, the weird ring on his long, spindly finger - is intended to make him look like he recently stumbled away from Skid Row, then it’s working.

Now, they’re driving up a mountain, but WHERE IS SHE GOING? Please drive off. Nope. The Hollywood sign. It’s the 90th anniversary so they’re allowing people to have stilted conversations and kissings on one of the Ls. IT’S LIKE A FAIRY TALE. Surely this is a thing they’re letting all people do, not just ones that are on ABC. (Fun fact: Tom Bergeron and Chris Harrison live in capsules beneath the Hollywood sign.)