The Bachelorette’ Final Finale: Des-erted but then not anymore because Chris

Desiree finds love or something kind of like it but not really WHERE’S BROOKS?

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  • ABC
  • THIS IS WHAT PURE JOY LOOKS LIKE.

It seems like just yesterday that Desiree Hartsock drove into our lives in a beat-up Honda Civic, unloaded her bindle full of sequined dresses and early-aughts hip-hop dance wear, and began compulsively inserting her tongue into the mouths of strangers. Now lookit her. Engaged to Chris, the son of a successful nostril chiropractor. I couldn’t be prouder if she was marrying a stranger she doesn’t appear to like that much.

I have a secret and my secret is that I’m an asshole. Based on the fact that so much of the first half of the two-part, FIVE-HOUR LONG season finale was dedicated to watching Desiree cry about Brooks’s departure, I thought for sure he was coming back. No waaaaay they’d make us sit idly and watch her cry on a dock for an hour unless he was coming back, right? Even the lady with the nose of a Roman soldier in the live studio audience thought he was coming back. And she looked like she knew things. And of course the malevolent satyr we call Chris Harrison took a lot of pleasure in dangling the Brooks carrot. He’s a real dangling pro. A born dangler. Ask Jackie, the red head from last season who they keep bringing back for color commentary even though everyone specifically doesn’t care what she has to say. Chris has for sure put his dangly dangler on her.

Also, I figured Brooks was gonna come back because Desiree for sure got engaged (I checked a spoiler site, big whoop) and she for sure didn’t want to get engaged to Chris or Drew.

Toward the beginning of this episode (I’m talking about hour three of the two-part finale), Chris sits down bit Desiree to make sure she wants to cry a little bit more about Brooks and she does! “I’m OK when people don’t ask,” she says and Chris is like, “I know, that’s why I asked.” Crying, crying,and then Chris is like, “Could you see yourself with one of the two remaining guys?” and Des is like, “I don’t know.”

She thinks Chris is very “fun” and Drew is so “sweet,” both of which are like a half-step up from “neat.” She should definitely spend forever with one of them. Do it for Bachelor Nation and the fallacy upon which its empire is built, namely that one in every 25 people is your potential life partner. You just have to be ready for the journey and open to finding love, ladies.

Des continued on her journey by having a bullshit, no-reason rose ceremony at which she reveals to Chris and Drew that and Brooks is gone, then cries about it some more. BUT YOU GUYS ARE REALLY NEAT TOO. She gives both of them roses so she can make sure they want to be there more than Brooks did, which was not at all.