THE BLOTTER: New Year’s resolutions, Blotter-style

Time for your New Year’s Blotter Resolutions. You’ve been very bad this year. Hell, we all have. Here’s just how bad. Better luck for all in 2024!

RESOLUTION #1: Never drive yourself home from The Clermont Lounge

Around 5 a.m., cops got a call about a stopped Toyota pickup truck facing the wrong way in downtown Atlanta. The police officer wrote: “Upon arrival, I noticed a vehicle facing westbound on John Portman Boulevard, blocking a driveway and stopped in a bike lane … facing the wrong way on a one-way street.” The pickup truck was still running. And the driver, a 28-year-old man, was asleep at the wheel and appeared drunk.

The cop approached the driver and woke him up. “I noticed a strong odor of alcoholic beverage emitting from his breath … and his eyes were bloodshot and watery,” the cop wrote. “(The driver’s) movement was very lethargic, and he also had some slurred speech.” The 28-year-old driver said he had a Florida driver’s license, which he had left at home, and he’d just moved to Atlanta in August.

The cop noted: “I asked him where he was coming from, and he stated that he was coming from The Clermont Lounge strip club. I asked him how much he had to drink tonight — and he said, ‘Not much.’”

The cop added: “I asked him if he knew what time it was — and he sat there and said nothing. I asked him if he did not know what time it was — and he stated to me that he knew what time it was, but he was not going to answer.”

(Smart move. ‘Cause the only answer would be: Yeah, officer, it’s 5 a.m.—but time doesn’t really matter at The Clermont Lounge.)

The cop noted: “I asked him why he was going the wrong way on a one-way street, and why he was asleep at the wheel — and he remained silent.”

The 28-year-old driver failed a breath test and went to jail on a DUI charge.

RESOLUTION #2: Don’t buy and take drugs in front of police

Outside a grocery store in a Bankhead neighborhood, cops saw a 35-year-old man “with cash in his hand, handing it over as in exchange to a 34-year-old woman sitting in a black Kia Sorento. The woman had an orange prescription bottle in her hands. Upon observing that, the cop asked the man: What are you exchanging?

The man replied, “I was just buying Adderall from her to help her with her money situation.” The cop noted: The 35-year-old man “then took multiple Adderall pills in front of me and digested them.” Yes, the man allegedly bought and took drugs right in front of police – and then admitted to doing so.

The cop wrote: “Due to (him) admitting to purchasing and taking the Adderall,” the man and woman were detained for investigation. The woman “kept stating that she didn’t have any prescription pills or bottles on her, while she was being placed into handcuffs. However, cops found 14 pink pills in the driver’s side door panel.

It gets worse.

The 34-year-old woman told police that the Adderall was “her son’s prescription bottle,” cops wrote. Yep, she was selling her son’s prescription Adderall. The woman said the 34-year-old man was flirting with her as she walked out of the grocery store and followed her to her car. She said the man asked her: What’s in the pill bottles? She told him that Adderall was in the pill bottles and said the man gave her $25 for the Adderall pills. She said the man asked her for orange pills, because they were stronger than the pink pills she had in her son’s bottle – but pink pills were all she had available.

It gets worse, still.

Cops searched the 34-year-old man, finding about six grams of marijuana in the pocket of the man’s sweatpants. Both the man and woman went to jail, on drug violation charges.

RESOLUTION #3: Learn where and when to masturbate

In West Midtown on 14th Street, a 25-year-old man and his girlfriend were parked in the garage of an apartment complex for about two minutes. Suddenly, the couple saw a “car that we had seen at the Shell gas station (where we were coming from) pull into the garage and park.” Immediately, a half-naked man “got out of the car and walked until he was parallel to our car and proceeded to fondle himself,” they told police. Yes, the dude started masturbating right next to the couple’s car. While they were inside their car. At 3:30 a.m.

The man “had on a gray jacket, with a Covid-type mask and a black hat. He also had on a white socks with Crocs and no pants or underwear on. He was completely bare besides the jacket,” according to the police report. “In a few seconds, we processed what was happening and started screaming at him (in disbelief.) After we started screaming, he ran in front of the car, while still fondling himself.” Then, the half-naked man ran to the front door of the apartment complex and tried to open the door to run inside. “Since you need an electronic key fob to enter the complex, he wasn’t able to get in.”

Stunned, the 25-year-old man started “recording on my phone. When he saw me starting to record on my phone is when he finally ran back to his car, which is a white Audi.” The man took another video, hoping to record the man’s license plate number, but the man had already removed his license plate. “He made a left out of my apartment complex (which is the same direction of the Shell Station that we believe he followed us from) and ran the red light at 14^th Street” and sped away.

As soon as the man sped away, the couple called 911. Nothing further to report.

RESOLUTION #4: Learn how to booze-pace yourself

Atlanta police responded to a car crash involving a wrong-way driver on I-75 near University Avenue in Choosewood Park. Upon arrival, the cop met with a 26-year-old woman — possibly drunk — driving a gray Toyota Prius. “(She) was traveling southbound in the northbound lanes of I-75 before striking another vehicle,” the officer wrote, adding the 26-year-old woman reeked of booze and had bloodshot eyes. “(She) wasn’t fully aware of what happened. She understood she was involved in an accident, but not that she was driving the wrong way on the interstate. (She) advised she was heading home. (She) lives in Cobb County, which is north of Atlanta. (She) was traveling in the opposite way of her home.

The cop noted, “(She) advised she was coming from a bar named Mary’s … consuming vodka mules. (She) said she was out celebrating with friends … (She) didn’t know what happened and I had to advise her that an accident did occur.”

The 26-year-old woman admitted that she should not have been driving. Cops asked her to do some voluntary field tests for sobriety. The woman made at least six mistakes during the field tests, appearing unable to maintain her balance.

RESOLUTION #5: Learn where to use the restroom

In the Sweet Auburn neighborhood, Atlanta police saw a middle-aged man “urinating as he was walking on the sidewalk” on Hilliard Street. That’s right, peeing while walking. Before cops could reach the middle-aged man, he hopped into a blue Dodge Charger and started to drive away. “We proceeded to pull the vehicle over, using our lights and sirens,” police noted. The middle-aged man “admitted to urinating and said he just left a funeral.”

Cops gave the man a ticket for disorderly conduct. The man lives in Norcross, thus he was peeing-while-walking quite a long way from his home. When ya gotta pee urgently, at least duck behind a city dumpster. Peeing and walking is just plain weird. —CL—

The Blotter Diva compiles reports from the Atlanta Police Department and local news reports and puts them into her own words.